Future

It’s creeping up to 9 pm here on this Monday night in Seattle, and I just closed my curtains because the sun is setting.  And even though this post has nothing to do with the sun setting in Seattle, I am reminded of why I love Spring in Seattle and the long days that lead up to summer.

I’ll be going to bed soon because I’ll be getting up early tomorrow. I have a 7 am (10am in EST) skype meeting with the New Cumberland District Committee.  What does that mean?  It means that my candidacy process is on the move – and I thought that now would be an appropriate time to officially announce to my blog world of my future plans after my young adult missionary career comes to an end.

It probably started about 3 years ago -well it started a lot longer ago than that – but I started seriously thinking about it 3 years ago.  Right before graduation I wasn’t sure whether or not I’d be accepted in the mission intern program and I wanted to have a back up plan that wasn’t teaching.  A representative from Palmer Seminary (connected to Eastern) spoke breifly right before our graduation rehearsal about how it’s not to late to apply for the next fall.  I secretly went up to him afterwards to get some more information, explaining to him what I hoped my plans would be, but perhaps I’d got to seminary 1st if I didn’t become a missionary.

Obviously I never had to use that back up plan. But, bit by bit, I’ve been feeling nudges along the way.  Perhaps it was when I preached half of a sermon in Cape Town at a friend’s church after my first Christmas in South Africa,  or perhaps it was the following Easter when I visited an amazing American female pastor and friend, Anna Layman Knox, serving at a church in Durban.  Perhaps it was when I worked in a church for mission and outreach outside of Jo-burg and learned the many joys and challenges that can come with working in a middle to upper-class community minutes away from a poverty -stricken township. It could have been when I spoke to several churches about my experiences in South Africa, and felt such love being connected to so many in the United Methodist Church. Perhaps it was the feeling I got my first Sunday at my church in Seattle, and the feeling that I continue to get every week as I feel surrounded  by family in an inclusive community.  Or, maybe it was (and still is) worshiping with strong, courageous women at the Church of Mary Magdalene where I see the passionate faith of homeless and formerly homeless women. And I still feel that nudge when I watch as people from the community come in to hug, listen to, and love those same women.  A combination of all of these things has brought me to know that God has called me into ministry, and more specifically, a leadership role within the church.

It took a long time to admit it  aloud.  After all, I’ve told myself my whole life that I wouldn’t be my father.  I never understood why I was so resistant, but changing your way of thinking always takes some getting used to.  In September I decided that I should start thinking about what I’d be doing in a year, so I went online, searched for United Methodist Seminaries, and applied to receive information from almost all of them.  I narrowed the list down and started searching more.  Wesley Theological Seminary was one that I wanted to search out a little bit deeper, and since it’s in Washington D.C. I decided to go visit while I was home in PA for Christmas.  It didn’t feel the same as it did when I visited Eastern University and knew instantly that it was the place I’d go to college – but it seemed to fit nonetheless.  A fabulous admission’s counselor (who had several mutual friends) and a lunch with the director of admissions and a current MDiv student helped me to discover that I should apply.  I submitted my full application on Christmas Day and within a month got the call that I was accepted.  Perhaps it was because I just wanted to be done with the search (at first), but I decided the I didn’t want to look anywhere else.  If I was going to seminary, I’d be going to Wesley.

All of it came together in March when Wesley sent me to D.C. for a scholarship interview weekend.  After a red-eye flight, I was greeted by gracious student hosts and friendly faces.  I sat in on an awesome mini-lecture (that made me excited to sit in on seminary lectures!), worshiped in an uplifting chapel service, ate at the President’s house, played games with current and prospective students, toured downtown and discovered that I actually like D.C., had the shortest interview I’ve ever had in my life, visited monuments in the moonlight, went out with some seminarians to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, worshiped again at another great church (that I’ll be interning at!), and realized that for the next 3   years I will be exactly where I need to be.  I left feeling energized to go to seminary and start preparing for church ministry! Things after that all started falling into place and I began saying, “If this isn’t reaffirmation – I don’t know what is!” And you know what I’ve realized – it’s a lot easier to focus on the present when I am content and excited about my future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In the midst of all of this, I’ve also started the candidacy process for ordained ministry in The United Methodist Church. It’s a long process with many steps, tests, discernment, and evaluations – but it’s all part of discovering how we fit into the church. Candidacy and Seminary – that’s what’s on the horizon of life right now.

In Fall 2012 I will be a Master’s of Divinity Student at Wesley Theological Seminary!

 

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I still feel strange saying it all – - but it feels so good.

LET IT BE

Confessions from the past week or so of a convicted, complaining, and reflective young adult missionary in Seattle:

On Good Friday, I was the last person to leave Mary’s Place.  I was finishing up last things and was excited to leave a bit early so that I could make it on time to choir rehearsal for the service that night.  Minutes before leaving, a cell phone ring and rustling  in our respite room reminded me that I had forgotten to wake  the recovering woman we had put in the room that morning.  I tried to stay compassionate as I needed to wake up and then wait for this struggling woman who was in pain as she tried to get up and out the door.  But, shamefully in the back of my mind, I kept thinking about how late I was going to be, and how frustrated I was that she was taking so much time.  But – the whole time it was my fault for not waking her up before we closed for the day.

I’ve become easily overloaded the past 2 weeks at work while registering college students for a new quarter of service learning (where they volunteer for class credit) at Mary’s Place.  I should be excited that there are 14 new students (not counting 2 interns and 4 undergrad and grad nursing students and a continuous group of 2-5 students that come from one school each week) want to love on the women and learn more about the challenges in their community.  Instead, I allow myself to fret, stress, and worry about how I will fit schedules of students to work with our schedules and if there will be enough for each student to do each time they come so they will feel like they are making a contribution and a real difference.

The overload went into overdrive in the last hour of work last Tuesday.  After some simple miss-communication, I discovered that the next morning, the day that we already have the most volunteers, we would be hosting a volunteer church group of 12-15 people.  And they would be arriving in time for our heavily attended community breakfast – our monthly event where we invite people from the community to come and visit Mary’s Place.  Thankfully, through the grace and patience of incredible people, and the amazing love that the ladies have for getting manicures from volunteers,  the day was fine and the volunteers (as always) were changed and touched by their interaction with the women.

This past Saturday I was in a rush after work to go home, cook soup for my small group dinner on Sunday, and get ready to go swing dancing with some friends that night.  The day was beautiful, and I realized I had some time to walk around and enjoy the sunshine before heading home.  My walk ended at a sunny bus stop that would be a quick 5 min. trip home.  This particular stop has 2 busses that go in the same direction and so I naturally thought that I wouldn’t be waiting long for a bus.  I was also happy to wait in the sunshine and soak in the Vitamin D that my skin does not get enough of.  What I thought would be a short, 5 minute wait turned into a 30-40 minute wait.  My impatience got the best of me and it wasn’t long before my thoughts turned from enjoying a rare sunny day to thinking:

“If only I had a car I would’ve been home an hour ago!  I can’t stand how long it takes for buses to run on weekends. I should’ve stopped at Starbucks for a frappuncinno, but I can’t now because the bus could come any minute!  I wish this stop had a timetable so I could know when it’s actually supposed to come.  This sun is so hot I’m getting a headache – how can it be this hot in Seattle? Why doesn’t this stupid bus stop have any shade?!”

Sometimes my attitude disgusts me.

And I’m especially disgusted at myself when I hear this poem written by Teresa, an amazing and gifted woman at Mary’s Place.  When I first heard it, and when I continue to read it, it certainly puts my life in perspective and jolts me into reevaluating my attitude.  I’d like to share it with you:

If I sleep without crying

LET IT BE

 

If I make it through one more day
LET IT BE 

 

I’m on every housing list in Seattle

LET IT BE

 

I count the days on the calendar

LET IT BE

 

I’m always scared and worried

LET IT BE

 

For I will find all that

I need here at Mary’s!

 

LET IT BE!

 

Though the free buses will end in October

LET IT BE

 

I can walk in the rain to Mary’s 

LET IT BE

 

For all the homeless children

Please don’t LET IT BE

For they need a roof

More than me.

 

Life In Seattle

I’m sitting at the best coffee shop I have yet to find in Seattle.  It only took me a year!  I was thinking last night that there was no way that I’d be able to get all the work that I wanted to get done on my computer in my house, so I needed to find a coffee shop, preferably near my gym.  For all my friends in Ballard, the Java Bean is an excellent choice.  But imagine that most of my friends in Ballard already know that.  Neat atmosphere, great music, free wi fi, friendly service, good prices, tasty coffee, and delicious food that I have an excuse to eat since I’ll hit the gym after I leave! Top it off to the sunniest day in Seattle of the season, and I’m a happy girl today!  I’ve found my new Monday spot.  This doesn’t really have anything to do with this post, but I like to set the stage…

A long time ago (October long time ago) a good friend of mine in PA asked me to write about what my typical day looks like.  I’m embarrassed that it’s taken me a long time to write that blog – but here it is!

Tuesday – Saturday I wake up at 6:15 and after hitting the snooze button at least 2 times I pull myself out of bed and get ready for work.  I try to get out the door by 7:45 to catch the express bus 5 blocks from my house.  20 minutes after I get on the bus, I’m downtown and walking to Mary’s Place.

It’s hard to describe a typical day at work, because I don’t always know what to expect when I go to work – every day is different.

When I’m in the office, I work on catching up on email or organizing volunteers for an event coming up.  I meet with people that are interested in volunteering and try to connect them to their best fit within our community.  And when this happens, I’m usually left feeling heart warmed by people who want to give their gifts to the ladies.  2-3 times at the beginning of each college quarter, I give orientations to students from 4 schools that volunteer with us for service learning credit.  The students energize me by their excitement and passion for changing the world!  Volunteer coordination reminds me that there are good people in the world and helps me find more ways that we can all work together.

When I’m out on the floor, in the day center, with the ladies, I can be found going crazy!  I’m only partly joking – but when I’m on the floor all day – I’m really tired at the end of the day.  The floor staff helps find things that the women need, resolves conflicts, sets up activities, leads groups, encourages ladies to do the house chores, teaches new ladies about tours, helps fill out applications, fills out vouchers, answers questions, asks ladies to lower their voices during group meetings, announces new group activities, helps kids who have gone astray find their moms, hugs ladies, rejoices in the good news, and smiles even when we’re really tired and don’t feel like being upbeat! It’s all part of the job and most of it is life- giving (although I probably wouldn’t sound so excited about it if it wasn’t my day off!)

At times when I’m not at work – I’ve really enjoyed becoming part of other communities.  I try to go to the gym twice a week, cook with a friend once a week, and find new things to do in the city with co-workers who are my close friends.

The biggest community I’m a part of is my church – Trinity UMC  I’m usually with at least one person from my church 3 times a week.  I rehearse with the choir on Thursdays, enjoy hanging out with the choir after rehearsal, worship on Sunday mornings, and meet with a great small group on Sunday evenings.  Other times during the week I go out with friends, to a meeting, or a special event – all from or related to Trinity. They fill me up, remind me that I still need community, encourage me in my faith.  I can’t imagine a more lonelier life in Seattle if I didn’t have this community.

Of course there are the adventures of living alone – keeping my apartment clean, cooking for myself, doing things that I normally do if I had a roommate (like dancing around like crazy while singing at the top of my lungs or eating too many cookies like nobodies business.)  But its’ all part of becoming my own best friends – a huge lesson I’ve learned this year is really really liking and loving myself – which has been a huge accomplishment that will always be a work in progress.

And that’s my life!  I look forward to it being this way for 4 months or so…stay tuned for news on the next adventure – coming soon!

 

Past

“What we have once enjoyed we can never lose.  All that we love becomes a part of us.”    - Helen Keller

I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time now.  A significant anniversary in my life happened 3 weeks ago.  As of February 28, 2012 it has been one year since I left my home in South Africa.

I knew in the days that came before that it would be a hard day, and it proved to be true.  I felt more overwhelmed at work than usual, little things seemed to irritate me more than they usually do, and I even broke down crying in the office in the middle of the day.  It’s during those time when I am thankful for co-workers who are understanding (and one particular co-worker and former YAM who knows from former experience what I’m going through). Long after the tears had dried, it seemed as if everyone who walked by my desk asked me if I was okay.  And of course instead of sharing what was going on, I would just smile and say, “I’m fine, I’m just really tired and busy today.”

So many thoughts have flooded my mind since that time, and I find it very difficult to put what I’m feeling into words.  So much has changed in the past year, yet many things in my heart remain the same.

I still talk about South Africa with a beaming smile sometimes too much.  I still miss my family that I haven’t seen in over a year. I still get giddy when I find things in the US that remind me of SA.  But, I’ve moved on with my life. I’ve adjusted and become content and happy with life here in Seattle.  I know that if I moved back to South Africa now my life would never be exactly what it was back then – and that’s when fear creeps in.  I fear that I’ll get over South Africa, that my passion will fade, and the fire that burns within my heart for my favorite county will go out.

When I was getting ready to move back, some people would say to me, “I know you’ll miss your friends, but aren’t you thankful for skype and email that will keep you connected?” I would politely smile and say, “Yes, it’s great!” but in my heart I knew that it could never be the same.  As much as I have said that I’d keep in touch, it is extremely hard for me to stay in contact with others.  How can I possibly stay consistently connected to all the people I love when thousands of miles and several time zones separate us?  Africa had a way of getting under my skin, but how can I keep it there when I was sent away to another place to live, work, and be present?  How do I keep that passion and fire burning in my heart, while my heart has also found new passions in new places?

So I I do what I’ve been doing constantly for the past year: I have grace with myself and remain thankful.  Thankful for the irreplaceable people that have made me who I am today.

Thankful for the celebrations, laughter, smiles, fun times, and extreme joy that filled my heart.

Thankful for the challenges and people who showed me God’s love in the most unexpected of places.

Thankful for the experiences that changed my life forever.

So I’ll cry or at least shed a tear once a year in remembering when I left you. I’ll cook pap and chicken, look through old photos, and smile when I reminisce about you.  I promise to never forget you, and I’ll keep you in my heart forever, because if you weren’t in my past, my present life wouldn’t be what it is today.

We Are Family

A couple weeks ago I was sitting in church watching others go up to the front of the sanctuary for communion after I had already taken it.  ”Uncle Bill” as he is affectionately known by the kids at Trinity UMC, was standing in line near my pew and humming along more loudly than normal to the piano accompaniment in the background.  My friend Matt, who was sitting next to me leaned over and said, “He does that every time.” We shared a quiet giggle and I said, “There’s one in every family.”

This vision of family is seen in many places around our church.  Once a month during the school year, we host a “PNO – Parent’s Night Out” where moms and dads drop off their kids at church while the aunts and uncles (like the humming Uncle Bill) spend 4 hours of the evening with their nieces and nephews.  This is where I met Maya, one of my favorite nieces, who shares a hug with me every Sunday.

Family is also seen in the ways that we share together each week.  Time is taken during the worship service to share our joys and our struggles.  It is a place where I knew that my brothers and sisters would rejoice with me as I announced the birth of my niece in October.  And in that same space, I was able to openly cry when my biological aunt suffered a stroke last year, knowing that my family would pray with me.

This community also shares as a family when we break into smaller circles and go out to lunch, play volleyball, sing songs in the choir, share in game and movie nights, and meet weekly in small group settings.

We are a family that welcomes others into our family as we stand up for the rights of all people together.  Some of us marched in the PRIDE parade in June, some of us host a soup kitchen every Saturday to feed the homeless in Ballard, and some of us travel to other parts of Seattle and the state, to advocate on behalf of those who have no voice or to stand as peacekeepers during protests.

As any normal family, we are not perfect.  We have our struggles, and with all of our different life experiences – we sometimes disagree.  But we love and acceptance of every person for who they are.  We are a United Methodist Reconciling Congregation.  As such, we seek to affirm and welcome ALL people, including those who are part of the GLBTQ (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer) community.   This is something that I would have had a lot of trouble with years ago.  It wasn’t until college that I started to question my former belief that being Gay was outside of God’s will. (I cringe now even remembering that I felt that way!) But, I don’t want to focus on how I believe that we all deserve the same rights regardless of sexual orientation, or how I believe that scripture is misinterpreted when it is claimed to condemn the acts of homosexuals. What I want to focus on is God’s love for ALL. Being part of this family has shown me that when we realize God’s love for all of us, and accept who we are, then we are able to love others and live more freely. Freedom in who we are as God’s child, freedom in who we are as a member of God’s family,and freedom in the choices that we make as we follow Christ.

During my time in and with other reconciling congregations, I have heard the stories of individuals, heterosexuals and homosexuals, who have fallen away from their faith and a faith community because of the exclusivity of the church.  The church has told them that because of their “sin,” they are not welcome.  The church has told them that their feelings and desires are merely choices. The church may even have told them that God does not love them.  Now is a greater time than ever for the church to stand up for the gospel of Jesus that is inclusive of all in love.  When someone finds a church that is willing to accept others as homeless, as an immigrant, as a minority race, as homosexual, as normal, as a human being, then all will be able to see that God is not exclusive – God is love. How are we, as Christians, able to share the love of Jesus if we are quick to judge another by who they choose to love, if we are quick to tell another how we think they should live, and if we are quick to close the  door to some?

I say this knowing that as I want to be open to all people, I may be quick to close the door on those who disagree with me – thus wrongly growing the gap that lies in the church and in the country.  There are times in my life when I need to think how we can all work together as a family.

Today is Ash Wednesday, and as such, starts of the Lenten season.  In preparation, our fabulous pastor has been describing this season as a “spring cleaning for the soul.”  We find those things in our lives that keep us from connecting with God and connecting with others, and commit to some sort of spiritual discipline that will bring us closer to God and to one another.  I ask you all, as my extended family – though mixed up as we may be – to find the things in your life that could use some cleaning.  Could they be things that, once cleaned, leave room for all to enter in?

Note: I realize that I was quite preachy – but hey – I’m being real too.

The Seattle Freeze

It’s January 18, 2012 and all I can hear is the sound of my heater as I sit on my futon in  my cuddle duds with a big duvet wrapped around my legs watching the snow fall gently outside.  I can see about three inches from my door that opens up to my back window, and according to Seattle – this is a big snowfall.  For me, it’s the perfect snow day to reflect on what it means for me to be a Seattlite in winter.

I just recently hit the 9 month mark in my time here in Seattle.  Also with this 9 month mark came an email from GBGM about scheduling the most dreaded event of the year: END TERMS.   Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to reunite with the other YAMs (Young Adult Missionaries) who have ventured out into the world with me these past 3 years – but ENDS TERMS means that the end of these 3 amazing years is near, and I have to start making some decisions about the unknown dark and not-so-distant- anymore future.

There are some possibilities of course (and if you keep following my blog, I promise to update you as possibilities become realities). I could continue on in the candidacy process for ordained ministry in the United Methodist Church which I’ve just started and go on to 3  years of study at seminary.   I could stay here in Seattle and continue enjoying the community I have made here.  I could also move back to South Africa doing who-knows-what but being surrounded by my big family in my second home country.  I could also move back to my first home in PA and teach. That last one isn’t a very likely possibility…in case any of my teaching friends were wondering.

All of these possibilities get quite jumbled up in my mind and get me to my weakest point – where I feel like I need to have control of the future and figure everything out right in the moment. Last night I talked with my Zambian brother Freddy on the phone and asked him to choose my next step for me.  After jokingly telling me that his advice for me to move back to South Africa would be too selfish, he told me some very simple and wise information that my whole family and many others have been telling me since I was born: Follow your heart.

That’s still a very difficult for me to do.  My heart is stretched in so many places, and so far my heart has not been very clear in telling me where to go from here.

But in the meantime of praying and discerning and begging my heart to find clarity, I must constantly remind myself to enjoy the present moment.  What good is enjoying the future going to be if I can’t enjoy the present moment that I’m in?  And if I’m not present in this moment, I could miss an important stepping stone for my future.  It seems like such a simple standard to live by, this living in the present, but I’m constantly reminding myself to fully  be where I am, right here in Seattle.

There’s something in Seattle that’s familiar to everyone that lives here: it’s called the “Seattle Freeze.”  This “Seattle Freeze” happens in the winter when the days are so short and the nights are so long.  I’ve learned first hand that it’s easy to get sucked into the “Seattle Freeze.”  I get tired of walking to and from work in the dark, some days I just want to stay inside and hibernate until winter is over.

Other than taking a daily Vitamin D supplement, I’ve made some resolutions to get out of this rut  (I know there a little late for the New Year, but there still very valid):

1. Get out of the house! This will be aided by an event at my church called “Month of Sundays.”  For the next 4 weeks, there will be events at the church and throughout Seattle to promote getting out of the house and enjoying winter.

2. I joined a gym – and I’m sticking to it!

3.  I also joined (with the persuasion of my co-worker and good friend Liz) our church volley ball league.  I’ve never EVER been part of a sports team before.  Go ahead, it’s okay for you to laugh.

And to start this all off, when I’m done posting this blog, I’m gonna go outside to my back yard and make a snow angel, because I haven’t even walked in snow in 2 years.  Happy Snow Day Blogging friends!

Fullfillment

So blog friends – I have seen that my numbers in hits to my page have hit an all time low.  I very much regret not updating this blog in over a month! If I could write about all the blog thoughts in my head, it would result in:

Blog posts about visitors at the end of summer/beginning of Autumn and reflections on long-distance friendships.

Blog posts about my new baby niece, Chloe Elizabeth, who is perfect in every single way.

Blog posts about homeless families in Seattle always being the last to find shelter.

Blog posts about the overflow of volunteer emails that flooded my inbox after Mary’s Place was shown in a local news clip.

Blog posts about the books I’ve been reading: Half the Sky and Love Wins

Blog posts about the family I’ve found in my church and how I would be community-less without them.

And blog posts about my first 6 months – and then almost 7 months – and then 7 months here in Seattle

But, as we all know, and as we all have used as an excuse at one time or another, life gets BUSY.  Lately, I’ve felt like life has been nothing but making it through one day after another.  At work it’s planning for the next big holiday event, keeping up with email responses, orienting new volunteers, and supervising activities on the floor.  All of the work is good and fulfilling and makes me happy,  but most days it’s OVERWHELMING.  When I come home all I want to do is sit and have a date with Netflix. (sounds so pathetic, I know)  And sometimes, I think that it’s okay to do that.  I want to put all my heart and soul into my job because it’s what I’ve made a commitment to for 3 years.  But I fear that if I take that too far to the extreme, it becomes a bumpy road of unhealthy living.  I need to make time for other things.

So I’m constantly motivating myself to do more.  I’ve found a life outside of work in my church choir, and small group, and other miscellaneous activities with friends.  I’ve been learning about those definite things in my life that need to be there – the stuff that fills me.

Weeks ago I started making a goal for myself to cook a new recipe once a week.  (I was having trouble being motivated to cook for just myself.)  Before long I wasn’t alone in this endeavor; I found a friend who likes to cook just as much as me.  Each week we take turns picking out new recipes and then we cook together. It’s always more fun to cook (and eat) when you’ve got someone to share it with.

Last Monday (my day off) I planned on a full day of deep cleaning my apartment in the morning, running errands around my neighborhood in the afternoon, and cooking that evening.  I woke up startled at noon when I realized that my alarm had been set for PM and not AM. There goes the morning and there puts a damper on my whole day.  Determined to not let the day waste away, I quickly cleaned the bare essentials and headed out the door to get on with my day in town.  I was close to calling my friend and cancelling for the night, but I didn’t want to do that.  I wanted to cook, even if that meant inviting my friend into a somewhat cluttered home.  It turned out to be a fun night of stuffing cheese into pasta shells while eating lentil soup and making homemade soft pretzels (that tasted more like bread rolls – but it was an adventure!).  I returned to work on Tuesday rejuvenated and ready to take on the week.  I’ve learned that cooking and baking fills me, and no matter how busy I might be, or how unorganized my apartment (and then life) might look, or how long it’s been since I’ve written the blog posts floating around in my head, it is important to take time to do the things that fill my life with joy.

It may seem like a silly post, but I think of it as a simple reminder.  God has given each of us unique gifts that bring fulfillment to life.  It would be a waste to not enjoy them to the fullest.

And a blog post on my first 8 months will be just fine.